Updated Mar 23, 2026 • ~5 min read
Chapter 12: Watches her constantly
RYAN
He was aware of her constantly.
This was the problem stated in its most direct form. He had been trying to manage it for three weeks — filing it in the operational compartment, running it against the regulations, keeping the channel clear. And the channel was clear. He was running a clean operation and Madison Reeves was a subordinate officer and the regulations existed for reasons that he understood and respected.
But he was aware of her constantly.
Not in the way that compromised the command. In the way that sat alongside the command and made itself felt in the margins. The awareness of where she was in a room. The specific quality of her attention when she was working a problem — the stillness before the answer arrived. The perimeter wall voice when she said *Ryan* instead of *sir*, which she only did outside the command context and which he had been the one to invite.
He was reviewing this in the command post at 2300 when Torres knocked.
He said: “Come in.”
Torres came in with the expression he’d had for three weeks and set a mug of coffee on the desk.
Ryan said: “You don’t need to bring me coffee.”
Torres said: “I was making it anyway.”
Ryan said: “What do you want to say.”
Torres said: “I don’t want to say anything.”
Ryan said: “Torres.”
Torres sat down.
He said: “Kowalski mentioned something to me.”
Ryan said: “What did he say.”
Torres said: “He said he’d spoken to Reeves. He said he’d told her the unit saw it and it wasn’t an issue.”
Ryan looked at him.
Torres said: “He was right. It’s not an issue. I’m telling you so you know the team’s position.”
Ryan said: “The team’s position is not relevant. The regulations are relevant.”
Torres said: “Yes, sir.”
Ryan said: “She’s a subordinate officer in my unit.”
Torres said: “Yes, sir.”
Ryan said: “The deployment ends in four weeks.”
Torres said: “Yes, sir.”
Ryan said: “And then?”
Torres said: “And then the deployment ends.”
Ryan looked at him.
Torres said: “I’m not suggesting anything. I’m noting that the deployment ends in four weeks, at which point the command relationship changes, and whatever happens after that is between two people on their own time.”
Ryan said: “It’s not that simple.”
Torres said: “It’s not complex either, sir.”
Ryan said: “It’s against the spirit of the regulations for a commanding officer to —”
Torres said: “You’ve been running the most operationally clean unit in the regiment for eighteen months. You know what’s against the spirit of the regulations and what falls within it.” He paused. “What I know is that you have been a better commanding officer since she arrived. Not because of the attraction — because of the peer. You’ve had someone operating at your level.”
Ryan said: “That’s about the work.”
Torres said: “Yes. And the other thing is separate from the work.”
Ryan said: “Is it.”
Torres was quiet.
Ryan said: “She’s exceptional, Torres. The work, yes, but also — the way she thinks about things. The way she talks about fear and adrenaline and what the work feels like.” He paused. “I haven’t talked to anyone about what the work feels like since Sarah.”
Torres said nothing.
Ryan said: “I am aware that this is a significant problem.”
Torres said: “It’s not a problem.”
Ryan said: “It’s against the regulations.”
Torres said: “Right now. Four weeks from now it isn’t.” He stood. “Get some sleep, sir.”
Ryan said: “Torres.”
Torres stopped at the door.
Ryan said: “Has she said anything.”
Torres said: “No, sir.” He paused. “She doesn’t need to.”
He left.
Ryan sat in the command post for a while and thought about Sarah, which he did sometimes and which was no longer the raw thing it had been in the first years. It was a presence now — a fixed point, a loss that had changed the geography of his life. He had stopped running from it around the third year. He had started making peace with it somewhere in the fourth. He had thought, by the fifth, that he had catalogued everything it had cost and everything it had left him.
He had not catalogued this — the specific feeling of being in a room with someone who occupied the same frequency, who solved problems the same way, who was quietly exceptional and did not need him to note it.
He thought: *Sarah would have liked her.*
He thought: *Sarah would have said: she’s the kind of person you should know.*
He thought: *four weeks.*
He looked at the operational calendar.
He thought: *there are three more missions in the remaining weeks and every one of them requires my full attention.*
He thought: *I am going to give them my full attention.*
He thought: *and then the deployment ends.*
He closed the operational calendar.
He opened the keyboard and played — badly, because he was tired and his hands were stiff — until the excess in his head had somewhere to go.
He played until 0100.
He slept.
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